4U2P

This story idea came from my brother Ralph. It revisits an older theme from a past year's wine label concerning the brothers and how they got off earth in an old green pickup truck, captured by the Borg, and how they were assimilated and then de-assimilated (if that's the correct term, another term might be dumped) by the collective after running amok. The new story concerns what happened next, along with the creation of dark matter. It was produced as a brochure to accompany this years 2007 Christmas wine (for the white wine) and simply called:

4U2P



A question of dark matter

A Campbell Brothers Spaced Adventure




In the beginning…

The last time we left the Campbell Brothers, Ralph and Colin, in space we hoped they’d have the decency to stay there, for eternity maybe. Or fall into the Sun or something, but no, they have to get themselves captured by the Borg (a story from a couple of years ago).

In the end though it worked out in typical Campbell fashion with Ralph and Colin (now known as Smorgas the Borg and Ernest Borg Nine) creating so much trouble for the Borg that they were soon ejected from the Collective, along with their furry henchmen, or henchrodents, the five Miceborg, as well as what remained of the 1972 Sierra Grande pickup truck that got them off the planet Earth and into this story to begin with, known as the Green Hornet. And, AND, just before they were all spaced out (so to speak) the Torso of the Borg Queen, not wanting to be separated from Colin, stowed aboard as well. The last we heard they were all left circling Uranus.

See how much fun you missed.

It took Smorgas and Ernest a little while to de-assimilate themselves (mostly through consuming large amounts of space hooch they’d concocted) and get back to their old selves (whatever that meant) but, yes Colin and Ralph where back and ready for action. They weren’t too bad off as well, all things considered, because they had managed, again with the aid of their furry bandits, to abscond with quite a bit of stuff from the Borg Mothership. They started out by having a ‘Supplies Party’ for themselves. It involved drinking. Torso Girl danced.

Now, you heard of impulse power and warp speed and all that kind of stuff from television shows and the movies. Well it’s basically rocket science so it ain’t easy to do. The Campbells had accidentally invented something similar which they showed off in the last space adventure. It was called the Drunk Drive. It allowed them to travel just under the speed of light. Now they had the technology and an idea on how to go even faster than that.

After reconfiguring all the equipment stolen from you know whom they decided that now was the time to test it out. First they got drunk, really drunk, and then kicked in the Drunk Drive and streaked away. Then they got drunker.

Finally, when Ralph was looking quite green, Colin gave him a single shot of pure alcohol. It did the trick. Ralph started to heave and ran for the toilet. This was the moment. Colin threw a switch and as the ship nudged light speed the mass of the ship expanded to infinity. Ralph’s efforts to reach the toilet stretched the moments to an eternity and, in his desperate and futile attempt to reach the toilet (which kept expanding just out of reach) caused the ship to break the light speed barrier. Then Ralph seemed to explode in a great technocolour yawn.

That was it. They had invented the Barf Drive. Off they went into deep space, roaming the universe like two lost pickpockets in a nudist colony (with nothing to do but having lots to look at) taking turns initiating the Barf Drive. The only drag was that the clean up afterward was horrendous.

Eventually they came across a small planetoid. In “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” it states that the planetoid is of little importance and is only used as a rest stop along an intergalactic hyperspace flyway. It is known by the designation 4U2P.

The only building on the planetoid was a pub. The rest of the planetoid was used for parking. The name of the pub was the Star of Death Pub and Haberdashery.

It made the cantina from Star Wars look like a nursery school.

Old space helmets, nominally for sale, sat on a high ledge surrounding the dingy room, all old, in various extraterrestrial configurations, all useless. Particle and projection weapons were all kept in a rack near the airlock.

The denizens mostly sat and stood around drinking, fighting and then falling down and avoiding.

To the Campbell’s it was like shitkicker’s heaven.

The place also had entertainment. On certain rotations it offered a vaudeville night and it so happened that they were looking for new acts.

When the brothers found this out, ever open to a new venture, they decided that they might just fit the bill and maybe they even could be on it. They pitched themselves, the Mice and the Queen Torso to the owner of the pub, a squiddish looking old fem named Xylotti, as ‘The Famous 2+5+1/2 Musical Band, Tap Dancers, Brewers, Decanters and Chief Bottle Washers’ while Xylotti was multi-appendagely mixing and serving drinks to the thirsty clientele.

Thanks to Ralph’s big mouth the Campbells also promised not only to play great music but also to make the hostess a huge batch of the galaxy’s first alcoholic chili.

As Ralph’s voice droned on and on and on Xylotti’s eyes seemed to glaze over. She seemed to become hypnotized by it’s monotony and ended up nodding and agreeing to hire them.

So the Mice quickly grabbed up their teeny tiny little homemade brass instruments and started to practice. Ralph and Colin however had to scramble to find something to play. Ralph found an old antimatter warp coil to bang on. All Colin could find was a old G-string from Torso Girl’s wardrobe. That would do.

And then they started in making the chili in a huge wheeled vat and threw in it everything that they could find, chunks and fluids alike. I won’t mention where the contents of the Barf Drive cleanup bucket ended up.

So it was now cabaret night and the place was packed. Storm Troopers where sitting in a corner admiring their new red and blue uniforms, the wookies were looking stunning with their golden blond fur. The ewoks just hung around looking cute.

There was a Luke and Lila Skylark lurking around, two hustlers trying to scam drinks and money for a new hairpiece for Lila.

The warm up act was a dreadful comedian called Han who was doing his solo.

Two robots where arguing by the washroom “I am not a 3P”,”R2.”

The 2+5+1/2 were put on stage before the magical act of Dark Raider and his Knobby Assistant Darth Mel. Their act consisted of making planets disappear and taking over the Universe (and boy where those two ever pissed off when the Campbells got first billing).

On the stage the Mice where sending out a cool jazz beat. Ralph was banging away on his antimatter warp coil enthusiastically but to no particular beat. Colin was in his own world twanging away on the G-string. At the back of the stage was the huge vat of chilihol with tubes going every which way, boiling, bubbling, shaking, and waiting.

The Disaster (meaning bad star)

Now the brothers had intended their act to consist of singing old earth rugby songs like “Caviar Comes From The Virgin Sturgeon” and “She was only A Farmer’s Daughter But All The HorseMenKnewHer.” Torso Girl (who had by now already gotten quite a few propositions from the clientele) would dance.

But just before they started in singing Ralph got on the mike and asked for the indulgence of the audience. He turned to Colin and said “Pull my finger”. Colin looked perplexed for a second and then there came a glint to his eye. He looked at his brother and said “You pull mine and I’ll pull your’s”.

WELL there you have it. For the first time in history the Campbells did a DWFPT, a Double Whammy Finger Pull Toot. Not only a DWFPT but an amplified DWFPT, over the public address system. The brothers looked at each other with relief and smiles as the sound reverberations and then the smell hit the room.

‘The Sound’ caused the vat to crack. The chilihol started to foam, bubble over and turn black. Not only did it turn black but it turned Dark when it met ‘The Smell’. It kept foaming, growing and just wouldn’t stop. It flowed from the cracked vat like filthy lava and spread through the pub, took all the pretty new paint off the storm trooper uniforms and left them a dirty white colour It turned the wookies fur into a dirty brown. It also stained their chromosomes.

The Dark Matter broke out of the pub and soon started to cover the planetoid and spew into space.

The Mice had seen, heard and smelled it coming and hitched a ride on a lifeform that resembled a sprig of parsley (but boy could it move). They all headed for the truck and started the motor. Then Torso Girl piled in. The brothers weren’t far behind and dove into the truck and battened down the hatches. They simultaneously stuck their fingers down their throats, did you know what, engaged the barf drive and headed out into space.

Dark Matter comprises 22% of the universe and scientists today don”t know what its made up of. Or they’re just not saying.