Genie With The Light Brown Stain

Because this pamphlet was produced as a joke, and a visual one at that, the impact of the whole is lost if I just type out the words of the inserts panel by panel, even with a description of the visuals. Here's what I've done: I've taken screenshots of the pamphlet and converted the images into something that can be used here which will give you some idea of how the thing looked. I'll also include the text because the type on the images is likely too small to be comfortably read. Okay? Here goes.


The outside of the brochure as a whole looked like this:

This is a detail of the main panel:

The small type reads:

'A tale with drinking involved.' 

 The middle panel of the outside looks like this:

The text reads: 

'This is not a Tim Horton Gift Certificate 

So take that smarmy look off your face, the one that says, hey, this guy is really cheap. Okay, he might be cheap, but it’s much more sinister than that.' 

 In the box on that panel are the words: 'It’s that time of year again, when Ralph and Colin Campbell try to get rid of another load of ‘product’.' 

Underneath that are the words:

 'Please Read Responsibly,' 

And under that:

'This is a Campbell Brothers Product Presentation'. 

 The third panel on that side looks like this:

It reads:

 'Confidentially Speaking 

If you get the chance, casually trash this pamphlet by dropping it into the nearest waste receptacle, 

Or

Boil this sheet in a solution of bleach and hot water for 15 minutes, or until you can’t make out the type anymore. 

It’s pretty tacky anyway. 

Also, If a Campbell hands you one, wash that hand immediately 

And check your pockets for change 

Or another hand being there. 

For the strong of heart keep reading and you might just regret it.' 

 The inside of the brochure looks like this:

The panels, from left to right, read as follows:

'JUST IN CASE YOU’RE STILL INTERESTED, HERE’S A SHORT SYNOPSIS OF THE STORY… 

 This is a story about running and hiding and drinking. Those are pretty much the highlights.. 

Oh and there’s a genie and a hidden cave and a magic lamp if you are into that kind of thing. 

And more drinking. 

And what else am I forgetting to put in here? 

I’ve had a couple of glasses of the light brown stain and I can’t feel my toes anymore. 

 Hello, hello? Is anybody out there? 

APOLOGIA 

Now the reason that you’re getting this brochure instead of a full Campbell Brothers wine story is that the story grew too big, as they sometimes do. It’s now become an epic. 

The story is no longer short enough to fit on the page (unless the type were practically microscopic, but it would be very hard to read at that point). 

What we decided to do is say, ‘forget all that and we’ll just post the whole damn story on the net’, so that’s exactly what we did. 

This brochure is practically an afterthought. 

If you’d like to read the original story please visit us at:

campbellbrothers.blogspot.com

And Ralph and I hope you enjoy the story. 

And, as a bonus, you’ll find all the other wine stories from years past? 

DISCLAIMERS

No resemblance to person or persons alive or semi-alive or tending towards life in any significant way shape or form is intended. 

No squirrels were harmed during the production of this pamphlet. 

All coincidences are just that. 

The brother of the first part hereby declares the brother of the second part to be totally at fault due to obnoxious and drunk behavior at the time. Brother of the second part has filed similar charges against brother of the first part for being drunk and obnoxious at the time and being totally at fault. 

Lawyers for both parties are invited to partake in ritualized personal combat to decide the issue. 

Exits from the court will be sealed until the issue is resolved.' 

The page ends with a repeat of the words from the front of the brochure:

'This is a Campbell Brothers Product Presentation'. 

And there you have it.