2007 The Christmas Wines

I won't say that I was hounded to get off my posterior and finally blog this years stories for the infamous christmas wines that we make each year. No, heck with that. I was hounded. So at the request of my friend Sid here I am and here they are as well. It's only taken three months or so to getting around to do this.

This first story concerns those two anti-heros, the Campbell brothers, in another nautical adventure. It is a continuation of an earlier story-line (much like the next wine story) which places them stranded on the Galapagos Islands. And guess who arrives to visit on his voyage of discovery? Hmmm?

The story was again produced in the form of a brochure to accompany the red wine that we made to give away as gifts. The labels for the wine, actually several of them, took some time to put together but they turned out quite well I thought.

And so, Sid, here are the stories, beginning with...


The Olde British Scientific Thingy Publication

(formerly named Better Specimens and Labratories Magazine)


The work of Charles Darwin

The origin of a different species, the Campbells.

Charles Robert Darwin, a British naturalist and captain of the Shrewsbury Bathtub Racing team, believed all the life on earth evolved over millions of years from a few common ancestors, except for two brothers.

From 1831 to 1836 Darwin served as naturalist aboard the H.M.S. Bagle on a British science expedition around the world. On his stops, particularly in South America, he collected fossils of extinct animals that were, he found, similar to life forms alive today. He also studied plants and animals and had amassed a large collection of these as well.


H.M.S. Bagel in South America

And then the ship made land at the Galapagos Islands in the Pacific Ocean. There he found many unusual and rare forms of plants and animals.

On one small islet in the Galapagos he discovered fossils of a different kind, two men (for want of a better term) who were first spied sitting on the rocky shore throwing turtle eggs at one another. These creatures had been marooned here a number of years earlier, a result of a mutiny aboard a ship called the ‘Dry Heaves’. They called themselves Campbells, Ralph and Colin.

His scientific curiosity piqued, Darwin undertook a study of these primitive men in the environment they inhabited to see what their influence was on the life forms. He attempted to fit them in his growing theories about the development of life on this planet but found them only an impediment (and frankly an embarrassment). In a misplaced notion of humanitarianism he invited the two on board. He called them ‘quasi humanus’ (as if human).

Of every evolutionary trend that he had noticed in his travels and his studies they, the Campbells, were the exception. Not only that but almost all species of life; bird, reptile, mammal, insect, even amoeboid, anything that grew or moved or crawled or stumbled or flew that lived within the Campbell sphere of activity was rapidly and radically mutating into different forms; some more complex, most primitive. These creatures would then attempt to escape from the island and Campbell brother influence.

A few species that could not change fast enough or get away fast enough from the islet were even more of a curiosity and an alarm. They were starting to resemble the two brothers. Darwin never got up the nerve to ask the two brothers if there happened to be any other reason why some animals bore a striking resemblance to them.


The Campbellapagos Sea Lion

He coined the term ‘unnatural selection’ to describe the Campbells (but would never fully explain why). Whenever they were mentioned he would only give a shudder, mutter ‘damn unnatural selection’, and then have to have a good lie down in his bunk for a few hours. And they became mentioned a lot.

As for the brothers, they didn’t talk much except usually to grunt, gesture rudely and say ‘argh’ and ‘two dollars, buck an ear’ a lot. They even tried to order the crew around like they owned the ship. They ran rampant and got into everything.

Things went missing, personal items and possessions, trading goods and trinkets, turpentine, rope, a dingy, belaying pins, canvas, the mascot (a sheepdog called, well, Shep, was found shorn and shivering under the canvas of a lifeboat two days later) and assorted jars and bottles. There was also missing a pair of silk bloomers (which were intended as a gift by the captain to his wife upon his return to England) taken from the captain’s quarters.

It must be said that the Campbell’s were not responsible for all the lost items. As it so happened the rats on board the ship got wind of impending disaster (Ralph farted) and had outfitted the dingy with supplies and sailed off in hopes of finding land, any land, or to die like true rats at sea.

Colin broke into Darwin’s specimen storage hold and mixed up a batch of ‘port’ (calling it that because that’s the side of the boat where he found the stuff on). Included in the mix along with a batch of unusual mushrooms and stuff were these ‘pretty frogs’ he dug out of a drawer (thinking that they must be good because they’re so colourful). Unfortunately these frogs produced a secretion that was used by the natives in South America to coat their poisoned darts and arrows. This ‘inee’ is known better today as curare. He then handed out halved coconut shells filled with the stuff in order to try to impress and fit in with the rest of the crew.

Half the crew became paralyzed for several hours and, to add insult to injury, they were found naked in the hold, their bodies posed in compromising situations.

Darwin was furious.

At this point, and because the ship’s cook was stiff as a board, Ralph volunteered to make dinner. He concocted a chili made out of barnacles with slugs for garnish.

The paralyzed half of the crew got off easy.

Darwin got even furiouser.

At another point Ralph had tied up his brother and was raising and lowering him into the water. He called this game ‘bobbing for sharks’.

He even made a fire out of the Captain’s log.

Things got so bad that eventually the brothers were forced to escape at the next port of call, assisted by the whole crew. They were last seen running down a beach throwing coconut shells at one another.

The Captain of the Beagle marked the nautical charts with ‘Here Be Campbells’ as a warning for ships to avoid the area.

When the Campbells’ berth was torn apart most of the stolen goods were discovered, including several pounds of sheepdog fur. (Ralph and heard of a remedy for hangovers called ‘hair of the dog’ and wanted to see if he could mix some up himself). The bloomers were never recovered.

Upon his return to London Darwin conducted thorough research of his notes and specimens. Originally, as a true scientist, he wanted to publish his findings, including the stumbling blocks (you know who). Out of this study grew several related theories: one, evolution did occur, except for the Campbell brothers; two, evolutionary change was gradual, requiring thousands to millions of years, except for those species tapped in the immediate environment of the Campbells ; three, the primary mechanism for evolution was a process called natural selection, except for the Campbells’; and four, the millions of species
alive today arose from a single original life form through a branching process called "speciation", except for the Campbells.

He realized, part way through his initial draft, that any mention of the brothers would unnecessarily complicate the whole treatise. He then decided that maybe what he should do is to devote a whole book on the subject of the brothers and their negative effect on the evolutionary trend. His observation of Ralph and Colin had caused him to suppose that as amoebas the progenitors of the Campbells had been kicked out of the primordial ooze and forced to develop on their own. He conjectured that the strain of life that had eventually led to the Campbells included a knot in the family tree root. He got so far as to postulate a missing link which he termed Campbellpithicus, and hoped it would remain just that, missing.

He considered the Campbells to be the lowest form of life on earth.

Darwin at this point had to go have a lie down for a couple of days.

He published his work, including the theory of evolutionary selection, in the book “On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life” or "The Origin of Species" for short.

There is no mention of the Campbell brothers.

Publication of “Except for the Campbells” was scheduled to be done a full year later at midnight at a small print shop in the dinky town of Winkley in Ashes, The Dingly Dell, Prefix, England.

On that night the editor, after reading some of the manuscript, ran away never to be heard from again. The typesetter went mad and tried to eat his own nose. As the press was fired up for the initial run the publishing house was hit by a bolt of lightning and caught fire. Then a meteorite crashed into it. Minutes later the ground opened up and engulfed the whole site. Finally a rain cloud settled over the crater and drenched it for forty days and nights.

Then a flock of sheep came by and pissed in the hole.

All copies of the manuscript were lost forever.

And in this case we believe that you can really thank god.


And so here now are the labels that were produced for the bottles themselves: