Dry Heaves

Again Ralph and I used the brochure format for this story, and we needed the space too.

The actual background for the label this year came from an image on the net, actually one of a series of images which had been produced by 3D rendering software. I believe that there were images that you could download for wallpaper for your computer. Ralph and I were added, again using Photoshop, as well as our pirate flag, the title, and so on.

The image for the brochure cover was a close up of the same label image focusing more on Ralph and I. There were more shots of us in pirate's gear throughout the story.

So here is the story of:

Dry Heaves

The Destruction of Port Royal



The Pirates Campbell

It was early in June of the year 1692 when a beat up old ship, the ‘Dry Heaves’ slipped quietly into the harbour of Port Royal, Jamaica. At this time Port Royal was the largest English town and the most economically important English Port in the Americas. Little did the sailors and residents of the town realize that the town now was doomed, it was caput, it was all over but the shouting (which would start soon) for on that boat were the infamous pirates the Campbell brothers, Captain Ralph and First Mate Colin carrying a worthless cargo of pirate baby booties.

Port Royal at this time was a bustling community: prosperous, multicultural, lively, and boisterous. With its well-protected harbour and deep water close to shore it was an ideal spot for large vessels to be docked and serviced. Trade flourished and so did privateering. Piracy was officially sanctioned until 1670 and then continued in one form or another until the 18th century, mainly due to the lure of Spanish gold from the new world. Unfortunately it also attracted the pirates Campbell.

Captain Ralph likes the life of the pirate because it means he can say ‘aargh’ a lot, and boss other people around, particularly his brother. He also likes the eye patch thing and thinks it makes him look cool so he decided to wear two, thereby inventing the first set of completely in the dark glasses. This meant, of course, that he couldn’t see where he was going and kept banging his head on obstacles and knocking himself out, so he got himself a seeing eye duckie (who also wore a patch), and put it on his shoulder. It didn’t help – he kept getting knocked out, but he kept it there anyway. It turned out that the people in bars felt sorry for the duckie and kept buying it drinks, which the brothers would then sponge off the duck.



First Mate Colin wasn’t sure what he wanted to look like – what made him look pirate like. He grew a beard and that helped because it hid part of his face. He wore earrings that he had picked up for two dollars in Jamaica, which he figured weren’t too bad for a buck an ear. He tried the hook on the hand thing – with a corkscrew instead of a hook – but he got dizzy opening bottles so he ditched it. He tried all sorts of stockings to go with the nautical theme wardrobe and found out he liked something called ‘fishnet stockings’ the best. No animal would sit on his shoulder unless it was nailed there – and the nails ruined his shirts. His only pet was one solitary fruit fly named Filo who constantly followed him around. He did have one saving grace, he was a natural delouser, and rats fled the ship in panic, but while in port this also made him a dewomaner. Only wine liked him – up to a point. It would take all his money and then it too would suddenly leave him.



Captain Ralph has often told Colin he actually is the head of the boat, and then chuckles. He never explains to Colin what he means. He just won’t let him pilot the boat is all. And he won’t lend him the hat.

Since they discovered that their cargo of pirate booties was useless, the Campbells had to come up with a scheme to make some money to pay for supplies, dock fees, refit the ‘Heaves’ and still be able to tie on a good drunk. They decided to put on a big party and invite the inhabitants, for a small fee, to a big feed of ‘Campbell’s spicy buccan and beans in sauce’ (chili) and homemade wine.

Now, in case you didn’t know, the term buccaneer, or buccan eater (which also gives us the word bacon), came from the word for the wooden frames for roasting, smoking and drying meat over fire – but with no money up front the Campbell’s had to get creative. Ralph stole the meat from the discount sales racks, and Colin made wine from the red berry dye that he had left over from all those booties, and we don’t know what else.

The Disaster

Like clockwork, after just about twelve hours, everyone who had partaken in the meal now had to share the consequences and outhouses in their misery, releasing copious amounts of methane gas that drifted and collected over the port area. One old tar, thinking the worst was surely over, lit his pipe igniting the clouds of volatile gas, which blew the town apart, set off an earthquake, and most of the town sank into the sea.

At 11:43 a.m. on the 7th of June in 1692, 33 acres (66 percent) of the “storehouse and treasury of the West Indies” sank into Kingston Harbour in the following earthquake. Nearly 2,000 perished in the quake, another 3,000 died of injuries and sickness in the following days. Looting and scavenging broke out. The Campbells swore they were never there.

The Campbells sneaked out of port in the Dry Heaves and headed for parts unknown (about them). The fleet that tried to follow couldn’t locate them – the Campbells had hid under a reef – but if they had caught them their fate would have been worse than walking the plank, they would have been forced to eat their own food.

The Campbells became referred to as those buccan idiots, and for the victims of the victuals the burning diarrhea became known as buccan assholes. Their flag, the skull and crossed spoons, became a symbol of fear and great gastric distress.



Port Royal never recovered. It had a revival of sorts until 1703 when the Campbells came back to see if the incident had been forgotten. It wasn’t. The resulting mob scene and pursuit ended up setting off a fire that ravaged the remainder of the town. Earthquakes and hurricanes continued to ravage the area, completing the job that the brothers had started. A severe storm, a hurricane, and two earthquakes hit Port Royal in 1722. The Campbell brothers were blamed. Port Royal, as it once was, disappeared for the last time.

The Campbell brothers meanwhile had headed out to sea and were well on their way to creating another disaster.





The Campbell Brothers Winery

Brought (up) to you by Colin and Ralph Campbell, two men who have spent more than a century drunk, and relieved themselves in the seven seas.