Pollice Verso

Once again we have the Campbell brothers’s’s progenitors in a different historic context.

Once I had sort of an idea about what I wanted to do I spent some time on the internet, looking for latin things, you know sayings and whatnot. I found this one site with a number of things that I liked and copied them down for possible use. I also used the dictionary because there’s a lot of latin mottos and stuff in the back of it. I admit to freely fudging words if they didn’t actually exist.

The front label for this red wine also contains those stupid latin jokes a lot of people know, semper ubi sub ubi, always where under where (it’s a joke, see), and nil illegitimus carborundum, don’t let the bastards grind you down. Now I’ve seen at least two different versions of that quip so I don’t really know which one is the right one, and then again I don’t really care do I.

The one translation I was really looking for, the one I really want (and not just for this) is ‘horse’s ass’, you know like dorsus equines or whatever it’s supposed to be. Let’s just say I have another use for it.

But gods, we got wordy. Alright, I got wordy. But I don’t feel that there was a heck of a lot I wanted to leave out. I got the brothers in trouble in ancient Rome, I got them out of a terrible spot, I got them out of the country, into more trouble, and I even got them into the right setting for a possible actual Campbell type clan thing, setting, storyline, that kind of thing.

And another plus is that the label got passed around (at a high school I gather) and it turns out I got some people annoyed at us for not being latin scholars in the first place, some first year latin students, or a teacher, you know someone who flaunts the little they know and take pride in deriding someone else.

Anyway, I had to spend quite a deal of time working on this one, cutting out tiny portions of images and combining them into the master, copying and shrinking the wine bottle (with the label on it I might add) to be used in the upper portion as well as in the arena. I guess I don’t have to spell out what the wine name means, do I?

Again the story on the rear of the bottle was tiny and cramped so I'll just type it here. It reads:

Ralphicus and Clonius Campbell, two disreputable wine merchants in ancient Rome, made the mistake of providing their wares of a questionable vintage to the home of the august Emperor of the Roman Empire. They made their second error in loudly demanding payment after the wine had been sampled yelling, “Monstra mihi pecuniam (Show me the money)”. They made such a commotion that they woke up the whole damn place, I mean palace.

Eventually they were brought into the presence of the emperor himself where they made their third mistake. Ralphicus suggested, “Nunc est bibendum (Now its time to drink.).”
They got the emperor so smashed and so sick on their ‘vino’ that he soiled himself, repeatedly. The emperor is reported as saying, “In vino stupidias (There is stupidity in wine.).” Thus it was that the two brothers were largely responsible for the decline and fall of the Roman emperor, who became popularly known as Incontinentine.

Ralphicus and Clonius were declared ‘Inamicus humani generis, uno et duo’ (enemies of the human race numbers one and two) which immediately created a dispute between the brothers as to who was number one. They were sent to die in the Circus Maximus but for some reason (it is surmised that they smelled so bad that no gladiator could stand getting close enough long enough to make the killing stroke and that ever the lions retched and ran for it) they stumbled from the Coliseum filthy but alive. It was in this place that Ralphicus gave his name to vomiting throughout the ages. Cloinus remarked to his brother, “Spucatum contin git. Vive com eo. (Shit happens. Live with it.).”

They wisely decided to flee Rome and stowed away on the first ship out of port, which happened to be traveling to Britannia. Upon arrival, not learning from past mistakes, they casked the contents of the bilges of the Roman fleet at anchor and, using the juice of some berries they got from a druid, dyed the liquid red. Ralphicus then sold the lot to the legion. Unfortunately this concoction not only incapacitated the entire army but it also made the Roman commander violently sick for a week. This event became forever known as ‘Hadrian’s Hangover’ and the expression ‘carpe anklii’ (seize the ankles) was born.

While in prison awaiting the commander’s recovery and their own sentencing Clonius spent his time trying to make a musical instrument from old water skins and reed flutes. Ralphicus said it would never catch on, it scared the sheep and wildlife too much.

It was decided death was too good for them and the brothers were booted north of the wall where it was expected that those blue skinned buggers would take care of them once and for all. Ralphicus turned as they were walking away from everything that was civilized and yelled back at Hadrian as he stood on the wall, “Futue te et ipsum caballum. (**** you and the horse you rode in on.).” Hadrian called back, “Id est spucatum tauri. (That is bullshit.).”

Ralphicus and Cloinus Campbellum walked away into the wilds and into history, noisily, Cloinus wailing away on his bag pipe invention. When the brothers finally managed to locate and join with a clan of the savages, Cloinus saw that the men word skirts and knew he would fit right in. He said to his brother, “Confacimus bibendus. (**** it, lets go drinking.),” and they did.